When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
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why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.