Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
You Might Also Like
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
“You’d better run, egg!”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist