me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
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12. I think about this all the damn time
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
This is a whole mood;
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
New Tinder profile.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?