Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Reporter: *ports again*
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
as is their right
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey