I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
buying dead houseplants to save time
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!