My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.