Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
all that yoga finally paid off
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread