Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
You Might Also Like
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
*pronounces fake like saké*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children