Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
some Old Testament wisdom
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.