Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
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Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”