some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
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“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Flock of bats
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.