Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
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Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.