Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
You Might Also Like
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Hank is one in a melon.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
plums roundup
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or