Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.