I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
They did not think through this water fountain
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.