Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.