During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again