[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta