Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one