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Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
When you’re Kinky but poor
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.