Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
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ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
shit just got real
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad