Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
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[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
incredible text to wake up to
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence