Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all