Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
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My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”