Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!