@TravLeBlanc: Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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@hipstermermaid: 1886: We invented a car! 1903: We invented a plane! 1969: We went to the moon! ... ... ... ... ... ... 2015: Taco Emoji!
@JD_Barney: I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"
@SortaBad: *Someone sends me a 4 minute video* me: [42 seconds later] wow that's so awesome thanks for sharing!
@Gooooats: *calls wife into the bedroom* *dims the lights* *turns on Marvin Gaye* *sexily sweeps toddler's collection of trucks off the bed*