*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend