the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Children of the corn 🌽
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”