[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
greetings!