Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
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i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Labreador
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!