Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
You Might Also Like
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
181.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…