I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
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A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??