Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat