Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
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“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?