Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
This kid is a star!
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.