Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.