Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.