Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Home is where your toilet is.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee