Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
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Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip