@fillthevacuum: Someone gave me a star as a gift. I'm planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
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@stephenjmolloy: HR: "You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact." Me: "Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."
@causticbob: My wife said "You only love me because my father left me a million pounds." "That's not true, I'd still love you whoever left it to you"
@TheTimmyToes: *thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield* General: "STAY STRONG, MEN!" *soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*