Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?