@MarkTConard: Someone hash-tagged "share the love," and I read it as "shave the love." I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.
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@UncleDuke1969: Doctor: You're gonna lose that eye. Me: That's HORRIBLE! D: You need to be optimistic. M: HOW?!? D: Think of it as 'your glasses half full'.
@toomanytoes: Evil villain: I've been expecting you. *Swivels around in swivel chair* *Superhero runs over & spins chair faster* Evil villian: WEEEEE!
@joeljeffrey: [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record? Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette *hires me instantly