Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
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My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My last name is Zilla.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.