someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet