Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment