Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
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After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
*performs CPR on the turkey*
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.