Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?