Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
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Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.