Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
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Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*