Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir