Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]