Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?